CompCom probe into some very naughty people

By Freeman, for The Daily Nonsense

This week the Competition Commission announced a probe into the lives and businesses of some very naughty and nasty and evil and greedy bicycle retailer capitalist pigs.  It has recently come to light that bicycle and cycling accessories retailers have mounted a dangerous and coordinated attack on the country, maliciously closing their shops for extended lunch breaks and ignoring fat customers at the tills in favour of gorgeous blondes.

Perhaps if it were confined to these wicked practices the CompCom would have a quick and easy case and all involved could move on.  However, since the initial allegations have surfaced, a string of fresh allegations have been put forward, some by industry insiders as well as some by members of the downtrodden cycling community.  The CompCom says it is investigating complaints of a lack of air conditioning in cycle shops during the “balmy summer months“, while others have complained that store owners “will sometimes try to sell you more than you need, which is really really tough to resist given the awesome selection of goodies.”

One cyclist was so badly caught out by this foul practice that he ended up walking out of the store with R100,000 worth of accessories for what was originally intended to be a R200 purchase of cycling gloves.  James Tights of Bellville said that since the purchase his wife had left him for a thriftier cyclist, and his whole life had basically been one long uphill stage since then.  Tight’s friends however said that the reason for divorce was unclear, and rumours had surfaced that Tight’s wife had been lured by a man with smoother legs.  Tights himself admitted that he had let the shaving slip up recently.

A CompCom official, who requested not to be named, said that these retailers were the epitome of evil, and that Doctor Evil could not even come close to the scale of sheer evil being foisted upon ordinary cyclists.  Doctor Evil was unavailable for comment, but his son Scott said that any claims of superiority in the realm of evil would have to be substantiated by an expert before any official comment could be made.  Scott Evil did however say that if such allegations were true the cycling shops “must be pretty darn evil man.”

A Johannesburg cyclist, Paul Crotch, could hardly verbalise his anger at the cycling shops, so instead asked me my opinion of whether I thought his legs were smooth enough and looked good in his new cycling tights.  I declined to comment.

The investigation continues, with the retailers clearly feeling unfairly singled out from other industries who they argue are sometimes just as guilty of the same practices.  One bicycle retailer in Durban said of the probes, “ja like its been pretty hectic bru.”

Another retailer, who asked not to be named, said that the CompCom should mind its own business and stop meddling in the affairs of the bicycle shops, opining that the regulator should ”leave us to regulate the temperature of shops as we see fit.”  Most of the retailers contend that the conditions their customers are being subject to are comparable with overseas standards and that the regulator should get off their case.

The regulator sees it differently.  CompCom head of investigations Mr. Temba NgeMeddler told The Daily Nonsense that “these discriminatory pigs would pay dearly for hurting the poor consumer“, and that as far as he was concerned they were “guilty of these charges until proven guilty of other charges.”

It certainly does look like an open-and-shut case and cyclists can only hope that the government clamps down on this type of behaviour.  As a punishment for these crimes the CompCom will levy a temperature tax on bicycle shops to ensure cool conditions for customers, and also set quotas on the number of leggy blondes allowed into a bicycle shop during working hours.  Asked how they would administer this, the commission said they would hire top chartered accounts, armed with a clicker, to stand outside shops permanently and count the number of blondes entering the store.  Legislation is already being drafted to define just what exactly constitutes a ”beautiful blonde” so that bicycle shops and blondes aren’t able to exploit any regulatory loopholes.

The state competition regulator will impose a spending quota per customer so that shop assistants and sales people cannot engage in predatory selling of irresistible goodies to unsuspecting cycling fanatics.  The consumer protection agency was delighted by the news.  The Centre for Strong Marriages also applauded these measures, saying that the country could not afford one more painful cycling related divorce.

Asked whether cyclists will really be better off with all this new regulation on cycling shops or whether they will simply bear the cost of the new regulation, NgeMeddler opined, “Eish, the cyclists must stop cycling so much anyway, they always block the road when I’m driving and look so stupid with their women-legs and their spandex costumes.” 

Investigations continue.